What Does Being "All In" In a Relationship Mean to You? My Definition Just Changed

When you're "all in" in a relationship, what does that mean to you? Does mean you're at the point where you're trying things as a monogamous couple? Does it mean you're moving in together? Does it mean you're getting married? I didn't realize that being "all in" with a guy could have so many different meanings, but now that my own definition has changed, I realize it does--and making sure your version and his line up is a gigantic deal. And why yes, in true Meredith Does Relationships fashion, I learned it the hard way.

All In: Version One OR How to Scare the Crap Out of a Girl Who Used to Love Commitment

Once I got back home to Brooklyn from my little mental vacay in San Francisco , Isaac and I went to dinner that night. Of course we were happy to see each other, but something was a bit...unnatural. I felt like we were pushing up against a wall, and after thinking so much over in SF, I wanted to be honest, so I told him so. And much to my surprise: he agreed he felt the same way.

Cue all the pressure in the room dissipating. (You can practically feel it, can't ya?)

I felt worlds better knowing that I wasn't alone in feeling like we weren't in the best place, and especially having confirmed my thoughts with the post-travel lucidity. And he asked me one thing: Was I "all in" this time around?

I paused. You see, this isn't the first time Isaac's asked me that question. The first time was when we started talking about moving in together--and when I subsequently flipped out. "All in" to me meant that I was set on getting married and building a life with him; that not only were were traveling on the same road, but that we'd agreed on the final destination together. I balked because I wasn't ready to make that kind of a decision, and he didn't understand why he was was able to say that he was all in, yet I wasn't. It put a massive rift in our relationship, and even set into play some of me starting to talk to J a bit more to put distance between Isaac and me as a fear reaction. (Hindsight, you gorgeous, squeaky-clean, 20/20 beast, you.)