Online Dating: I Joined eHarmony…Now When Do I Get My Commercial?

It was the commercial that did it. Tanyalee and Joshua were married July 7, 2007. They looked so happy on TV. Perhaps more convincing was the voice of my roommate, suggesting I might need help. Erica pointed out that my Snoopy and snowman sheets (see the bed makeover here!) made me the equivalent of a banker with Star Wars bedding.

I'd been hearing success stories, so I logged on. I had to do so many multiple-choice questionnaires, I had flashbacks of taking the SAT. But I realized that in order to answer all those questions, every guy on eHarmony must be serious. No one would subject himself to that much work just for a hook-up. Then of course, the next day my sister says, "What loser guy sits through all of those quizzes?" Shoot.

There is one thing eHarmony did not ask. It's this: "The following statement describes me…not at all: I like to commute." See, I would only like to date one of the million men living within the few square miles of Manhattan. But eHarmony keeps sending me matches from Yonkers, NY; Maspeth, Queens; and Hoboken, NJ. Sigh. Well...at least these guys are older than the jailbait I usually run into.

I've decided one of my "musts" in a partner is someone who will dance with me. (No offense to you, Brooke, and I know you're better than any man out there.)

I'm a little dismayed by the photos, though. At least half of the men are pictured holding their baby nieces. I feel like they are using babies to lure women.

The rest of the photos are vacation shots. The men pose next to a waterfall as if to say, "Hi! I have lots of money with which to travel to exotic places." One caption actually read, "Standing on a rock in Costa Rica." Uh, I can see that you're standing on a rock. Does it matter that you're in Central America if we can only see your body? (Well, apparently it *did *make an impression…I started Freudian-slipping and calling it "eHar-money" for an entire half hour last night.)