No More Blushing in Bed: 8 New Names For Sexy Stuff You Do Between the Sheets
- "Queef"
Rosemary took a look at this noisy phrase some time ago. The important thing about #4 isn't so much what we call it, though we all agree the name is just too despicable, it's that you become aware that guys really don't care about these. We totally understand that you want to go to the bathroom after to express yourself vaginally, but if it happens in bed be aware that it couldn't matter less to us. New name: Hippo Giggles.
- "Doggy Style"
I'm a sophisticated gentleman and you are a pretty lady; dogs should not even come into. Still, this positioning tends to work for all parties (though not everyone), offering ideal setup for different depths of penetration and playing into all kinds of subtle and not-so-subtle conceptions of submission and domination. It's not going anywhere, so let's just rename it, something a little more democratic. In fact, Rosemary over on Smitten already made a great case for renaming it, and you guys voted.__Our new name: Power Meeting.
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- "Anal Sex"
Not for everyone, obviously. That being said, there's no need for those who choose to go down this road to refer to it so clinically. The table became quiet when this topic came up. And then glances were exchanged, and giggles erupted. Of the four women I was with, their attitudes toward back-door action ranged from "F*ck yes!" to "Only if I can do him first." As for my own attitude, this one is far too political, so I'm going to plead the fifth (which the group and I would like to rename "Fortress Whispering"). New name: Lady Macbeth (because she's so pushy and potentially awful, but she's a scene stealer, and for the some, the play would be nothing without her).
- "Pubic Hair"
Whether you have none, a little, lots, or could teach a class on refined pubic topiary, we all have to deal with hair down there. "Pubic hair" is so health class. None of us really like the word "pubic" or any of its associations, from "pubic comb" to "pubic lice." So we're changing it. __New Name: Love Feathers or Plumage.
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- "Lights On/Lights Off"
There's nothing wrong with these names, we just feel they could be more exciting. Alex likes the lights on: "Less chance for error." My friend Kala needs them off: "I don't want to see us naked in the best of circumstances, certainly not while we're contorted." New name: Showtime/Mystery in Gotham.
The language of sex is just that: language. You gotta go with what works for you. Ideally, we'd all know what our partners were thinking, or failing that, we'd just be so intuitive (sexually) that communication would take the smallest gestures, the shortest glance with our eyes. But until we reach that level of sexual mastery, we need to keep talking. Hope this helps.
What are some names that you use instead of the standards? Do you have more fun, practical or hilarious suggestions?
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