My Dirty Little Secret: For Once, Actually I'm Happy
"So how are you?!” a friend asked me at brunch recently. I hadn’t seen her in a while and thought for a moment. “Great!” I replied. “Things have been going really well for me.”
Even I was surprised by my response; it’s rare that I don’t have a complaint at the ready. Apparently my friend was taken aback too. “Really?” she asked. “That’s awesome. I’m happy for you.” And there was an awkward pause. In the silence I realized I had violated an unspoken code. The answer to “How are you?” is supposed to be “I’m so busy and stressed!” And indeed, when I asked what was new with her, she stuck to the script, rattling off complaints: annoyed with her mom, drowning at work.
The exchange made me realize something else. I noticed, strangely, that I felt a little guilty that things were going well for me. That night, as I thought about our conversation, doubts began to creep in: Was I really happy? Or had all my yoga, meditation, and therapy sessions just momentarily tricked me into thinking that I was happy? I reassessed: I had a new job I loved, I’d been dating someone exciting—dammit, I was satisfied. But the whole episode made me wonder, Why is there this happiness catch-22 in which all we want is to feel it, but the moment we do, we can’t accept it? Experts have actually studied this phenomenon and have isolated some pretty good reasons:
1) It’s human nature.Those doubts I felt? Turns out they are a pretty standard reaction to life’s feel-good moments. “Happiness makes us feel vulnerable, because we’re scared it will be taken away from us,” explains Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of psychology at Georgetown University in Washington, D.C. Our species is also hardwired to see the worst in things. “Evolutionarily speaking, human beings had to be vigilant and somewhat pessimistic to survive,” says psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and author of The Myths of Happiness. “If you were too confident, too happy, or too optimistic, you might miss threats in the environment.”
2) Women especially doubt their happiness.Even though I was certain I was enjoying my life, I couldn’t help chalking it up to a lucky streak. I’m sure this won’t last, I thought. Also a totally normal reaction, experts say. “It’s uncomfortable for women to own their successes, and our society creates that discomfort,” says Bonior. “Our culture still doesn’t see women as being as competent as men, which undermines female accomplishments in general. That gets internalized.” Objectively I know that crediting my success to luck is bullshit: I’ve worked hard for my happiness, surviving countless mundane dates, merciless bosses, and challenging therapy sessions to get to this good place. But the reflexive self-doubt is hard to kick, Bonior acknowledges. (Notice yourself dismissing your accomplishments? She recommends listing what it took to make them happen.) Our brains are trained to expect the worst. “We know how easily things can go wrong in the world,” Bonior says. Lyubomirsky agrees: “When everything is going right, women tend to question it or overthink it and decide it’s too good to be true.” Other women told me they, too, have a hard time relishing their happiness. “Sometimes when things are going really well for me, I don’t even let myself feel happy because I don’t want to jump the gun,” says Allison Rerecich, 29, an actress in New York City. “Or I’ll downplay my excitement because I’m convinced there’s a limit on how happy I can be.”
