I Went to an Orgasmic Meditation 'Turn-on,' and Things Got Intense

Each of the night's activities was modeled after part of an OM, they said: easing into the practice, stroking, and grounding. For the first one, we went around and completed sentences like, "In this moment, I am feeling…" and, "One taboo desire I have is…" with the first word that came to our heads. It seemed like people were comfortable answering really honestly. I learned that the woman next to me wanted sex all the time, while a man to my right had trouble figuring out what he really wants in life.

Next we took turns being in the "hot seat," which is when things got intense. Each of us spent a few minutes in a chair, answering questions from the rest of the group. We were told to "stroke the place with the most sensation"—that is, ask people about topics they seemed to have a lot of feelings about. One woman explained her motivation for seeing a dominatrix. One man talked about his struggles to stay loyal to his girlfriend. When it was my turn, someone asked me what turned me on, and things escalated real fast.

"Porn," I answered honestly.

"What kind of porn?" someone else said.

"Most recently, I guess, women masturbating," I said through nervous giggles after a pause.

"What turns you on about that?" asked the next questioner.

I thought about it. "The femininity, I guess."

"Is that something you don't feel like you get to be?" asked an organizer.

"Yeah, actually."

"Say more."

"I feel like I have to be masculine to be good enough."

Whoa. How did they do that? Within the span of two minutes, these people had psychoanalyzed my porn habits and actually taught me something about myself.

For the final activity, we went around and shared a feeling we had about someone else at the turn-on. One woman told me she felt "love" for me during my porn revelation and could relate to it herself.

Once that was over, we all stood around and talked, and I once again experienced that openness that keeps me coming back to the OM community. I felt comfortable looking into people's eyes for longer than I usually do. One man and I had an extremely meta conversation about why talking to each other made us anxious. I hugged people goodbye afterward, feeling inexplicably close to them.

Afterward, as expected, a facilitator came up to me and told me about some upcoming classes and retreats that could help me get in touch with my "feminine," connecting these events to what I'd talked about on the hot seat. I could see how people get sucked in.

But I didn't. After all, you don't have to pay hundreds of dollars for a class to get the feeling I was feeling. All it takes is one of those rare environments where people have permission to be authentic. If anything, I left thinking about how I could make my favorite parts of the OM space more frequent in my everyday life.