Glee: 50 quippy Sue Sylvester gems

1.

Bryan (Neil Patrick Harris): "You ever heard of the term 'anger sex'?"

Sue: "The only kind I know, Bryan."

2.

''I'm gonna make it a habit not to stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.''

3.

''So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful.''

4.

''I may buy a small diaper for your chin because it looks like a baby's ass.''

5.

''What's that smell? It's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear.''

6.

''I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. You know why? People should know who I am.''

7.

''How do you two not have a show on Bravo?''

8.

''You don't deserve the power of Madonna.... Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo, who refuse to mate.''

9.

''I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.''

10.

''You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak. That is hard!''

11.

''I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office.''

12.

''That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching—and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.''

13.

Sue: ''Iron tablet? It keeps your strength up while you're menstruating.''

Will (Matthew Morrison): ''I don't menstruate.''

Sue: ''Yeah? Neither do I.''

14.

''I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.''

15.

''You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That was hard.''

16.

''I'm all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.''

17.

''You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them.''

18.

(Whispering into each other's ear, while forced to hug by Principal Figgins)

Will: ''I will destroy you.''

Sue: ''I am about to vomit down your back.''

19.

''I always thought the desire to procreate showed deep, personal weakness.''

20.

''I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.''

21.

''I can't stand the sight of kids getting emotional, unless it's from physical exhaustion.''

22.

''I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard, so that nothing living could grow there for 100 years. Know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.''

23.

''I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.''

24.

''Look at me. Even in the heat of battle, I'm so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.''

25.

''I, for one, think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, and it was like seeing two walruses wrestling.''

26.

''You sunk my battleship, Rod. And you sunk it hard.''

27.

''...I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home...and punch you in the face.''

28.

''Me, I never wanted kids—don't have the time, don't have the uterus.''

29.

''[Wheelchair ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage our able-bodied students from getting their proper exercise by using the stairs.''

30.

''If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning.''

31.

Sue to Santana (Naya Rivera), post-boob job: "Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office."

32.

"In my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. It's like an ink blot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it long enough, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world."

33.

"By the power vested in me by a website, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself."

34.

Kurt (Chris Colfer): "I know what it's like to lose someone. When someone dies, it hurts."

Sue: "Very astute, Porcelain. That's a little nugget of wisdom I'd really like to jot down."

35.

"I heard. And I am literally horny with fear."

36.

"Brittany (Heather Morris) thought of it. She gets an idea once every couple years and, lucky for us, this was a good one."

37.

Sue: "Commercials aren't real life. Advertisers are manipulative alcoholics who use images to play on our emotions. Haven't you seen Mad Men?"

Becky (Lauren Potter): "No."

Sue: "Neither have I."

38.

"We've become somewhat of a progressive bubble here at McKinley High, and I think that's due to the fact that the glee club is being run by a strange, weepy man-child who has lotion in his hair, but no adult friends."

39.

"Dear Journal, it's Christmas again. That time of the year when parents aren't arrested for forcing their children to sit on an old man's weirdly hot lap. That magical season when five seemingly separate story lines are cleverly sandwiched between commercial breaks, and then tied together at the end like a beautiful bow. Like that movieLove Actually, which I don't think anyone really cares for, and yet, it's constantly on cable."

40.

"What is with you glee club ex-pats? Don't you have jobs? You have to have some source of income, so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly own, since you're constantly showing up here."

41.

"Cheerios! Regionals is fast approaching, and I need a shiny, sexually non-threatening gay to hoist up some of the most gorgeous girls in America over his head, have a bird's-eye view of their baby oven, and not be even remotely interested."

42.

"America, your prayers have been answered. Sue Sylvester is back at McKinley."

43.

"Oh, please let it be another Journey song! There's got to be another one left!"

44.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. Don't you dare. Over my dead body will you inexplicably shoehorn in another Billy Joel song just to punctuate one of your weekly lessons that inevitably veers off into a saccharine barrage of angst and affirmation."

45.

"After the unpleasantness of our last encounter, I decided to do some deep background to investigate your claims, and conducted in an intensive Wikipedia search that took all of 25 seconds."

46.

Sue to Rachel (Lea Michele): "I flew a thousand miles to be at your opening night, so I could walk out in the middle and have sex all over your apartment."

47.

"It looks like you're Batman, only gay. I guess it's like you're Batman."

48.

"Well, I just came in to drink in the old office one last time, and to drop a hot one in the middle of Will's desk. But, that seemed childish. So, I, uh, just peed everywhere."

49.

Sue to Kurt: "Porcelain, the first moment I laid eyes on you, I truly didn't understand what I was looking at."

50.

"I waterboarded myself."